Coping with vs Managin our Emotions

Friday, June 18th, 2010 at 10:25 am

COPING with what is vs MANAGING to grow.

People come into therapy because they want to learn how to cope with their emotions. This is a very noble first step as they realize that their emotional world impacts not only on themselves but also on others. However, learning how to cope is a very limited goal as it has no vision attached to it beyond coping with what is. The potential to create gets lost in such an attitude. And it is in the creation that one grows into its full potential and enlarges his/her own world and the world of others, learning how to manage one’s emotions opens us up to our dreams, to our visions and to the full potential that lies buried within our psyche.

In order to manage one’s emotions we need to know what we are truly managing. We are managing a process to get us from A to B. Coping focuses on the A – getting rid of the A or changing it. Whereas managing focuses on the A, the B and the process to get there. In a quest like that we start creating our vision and not merely hoping that when A changes the world will be a better place, for what ever this might mean. When we understand the B we can start unfolding and identifying the most important factor that motivates us to get there, our purpose which is revealed to us by the question: WHY?

Here is a little process that can get you started in identifying your own purpose and start managing your emotions and your life:

Where am I going? How does the world that I would like to create look like, feel like, smell like? How do other people see me when I have achieved my goal? (You might want to become a good parent, a better person, a successful business person, you might want to have plenty of money etc. Be specific though what better, successful means to you and how much money plenty is etc.)
Now ask yourself why would I like to get there? What is the purpose of getting there? What will it change for me and for others? How will I feel and how will others feel around me when I achieved my goal? Why do I really want that – what kind of felt sense will it give me? Make absolutely sure that this is a worthwile goal to pursue with an emotional state attached to it. The WHY question will give you the motivation and the focus. It is the most important question to ask in this whole process. The why is a felt sense in order to be worthwile and strong enough for you to succeed.
Identify what behaviours, what beliefs, emotions and resources are holding you back.
Identify what behaviours, what beliefs and emotions you already have that work well for you on this chosen path. In other words make sure you know your strengths and resources.
And then start putting it all together, i.e. managing all areas of your life in line with your goal and with your purpose. This is usually the point where people go and seek out a therapist or a coach because they know what they know, they know what they don’t know but they have arrived at a point where they recognize that the key to growth and change lies in a world that does not seem accessible to them. They don’t know what they don’t know. When we get to the point where everything we know is not moving us forward towards our goal, then we need to seek someone who might shine that torch for us just for a while and point us to new possibilities and opportunities that we just were not aware of ourselves.

Managing our emotions is equivalent to managing our whole life. Every area of our lives impinges on others. Nothing exists in isolation. If we get stuck in one are of our lives be it business, relationship, spirituality, health, or finance then it affects other areas.

Our belief systems guide us and they hold us in a very safe space. A space of knowing, a space of certainty. Uncertainty is a scary place to be, yet, in order to grow and there is no greater life purpose than to grow, we need to step into the realms of the unknown. All the opportunities lie in the dimension of our not knowing. We don’t know what we don’t know until we learn about it, experience it. Coping is a dead end attitude but managing allows us to adapt, to change, to reorganize and to grow. It allows us to learn about ourselves and what the world has to offer and to take action from a safer space.

Our beliefs are not us, our emotions are not us, our thoughts are not us, they have all been accumulated throughout our life span but we are so much more. So much more than what we know and experience. When I started my journey many years ago, I could have not even imagined in my wildest dreams that this is where my path would have taken me. The path reveals itself, once we start moving forward. The more we learn, the more we know and the more we dare to create new opportunities and possibilities.

Enjoy your journey!

I had the pleasure to meet Eric Bailey whose story was inspirational. You can view the youtube video below if you want to hear from a man who dared to dream big and succeeded against all odds.

Halka